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I have a tendency to unconsciously appropriate other peoples' affectations, leading me to say things like y'all.

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Friday, February 10, 2006

The Consultant

John had a company wide dinner last night that started at around 7:30 in the evening. After that it was apparently customary for the company to rent out some portion of some club for the younger bees to continue boozing and dancing in. It is now 4:30 on Friday morning. First I felt confused (the bed was empty and there was no familiar sound of drunken keyboard clicking coming the other end of the apartment). Then I felt worried (I expected him home hours ago...he's supposed to be going in to work today...I have no way of finding him). Then sick. Literarly a pain like an ulcer burning in my stomach (a pain that cancelled our one and only house-hunting trip because we were afraid I'd need to go to the emergency room) and it won't go away. It's only get worse, actually. Now I am just so angry at the selfishness that could lead to recklessness and lord knows what and just the not calling to say it's going to be later than I thought. In our time together I have never once felt angry towards John. Never. And this feeling is so foul (so emtpy and unfeeling) that I almost wish I would never see him again because I don't know what to do with it. I don't know how I'll look him in the eye whenever I see him next and be able to make him understand what these next few hours (or day) will feel like for me.

And what do I tell Sophie in the morning when she asks where John is?

2 Comments:

Blogger skampa said...

So what happened?

9:59 PM  
Blogger Irina said...

I called hospitals for an hour, then got a phone call from John at 7 am. He'd just woken up and was coming over the Manhattan bridge...apparently he'd been riding the F train for nearly 6 hours!! He was well freaked about it himself. It was not a pretty scene here that morning.

Thanks for asking.

10:08 PM  

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