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Location: Brooklyn, New York, United States

I have a tendency to unconsciously appropriate other peoples' affectations, leading me to say things like y'all.

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Friday, February 03, 2006

A little sanity, a lot of obsession

My visit with the shrink yesterday had unexpected results: down goes the dosage, earlier goes the bedtime (mommy, I'ma be five soon!) and, theoretically, in come the human emotions...most notably happiness, which I've had a hard time feeling. I mean, I know that I'm happy, but it would be nice to get all excited again. You know, in a normal way.

I think the thing that I'm most (continually) amazed by since being diagnosed bipolar is the meds and the turn around of my condition based on their tweaking. A month ago I was bat-shit crazy. I was rapid cycling and irritable and miserable. I was nearly suicidal. I felt that leaving Sophie in the hands of her dad and her step-dad and disappearing would just make everyone's life better. I did. I really believed that everyone would be better without me. And I hated myself because I just couldn't get this sanity thing right and I felt too fat and I wasn't a loving enough partner and I couldn't successfully hide what I was going through from Sophie anymore. Then I gave up the Topamax and in four days I was living a different life. Seriously. FOUR days. What the fuck? There's no predicting exactly how a patient is going to react to her medication, I know that, but I'm still shocked that with the right medication (or, more accurately, without the wrong additional medication) I'm stable enough to start experiencing some life again. It's in: inspiring a mixed emotion of reverence, respect, dread and wonder.

Now, I know it's been less than a day, so I'm not expecting that the decrease in depakote is responsible for the upsurge in emotions I'm experiencing this morning (although I would guess the 8 hours of sleep...1.5 more than usual...could have something to do with it), but after I dropped Sophie off at school I listened to Cat Power's King Rides In on repeat for 15 minutes. Just the one song. I never do that, but come on...during that second surge of the chorus I could feel my heart rise up into my throat and I just wanted to throw my arms around someone and cry out: the world CAN be a better place, we CAN all love each other.

But then I looked around and saw that there were at least four people on bench in front of me who were trying to surreptitiously pick their noses.


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