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I have a tendency to unconsciously appropriate other peoples' affectations, leading me to say things like y'all.

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Friday, February 03, 2006

A little sanity, a lot of obsession

My visit with the shrink yesterday had unexpected results: down goes the dosage, earlier goes the bedtime (mommy, I'ma be five soon!) and, theoretically, in come the human emotions...most notably happiness, which I've had a hard time feeling. I mean, I know that I'm happy, but it would be nice to get all excited again. You know, in a normal way.

I think the thing that I'm most (continually) amazed by since being diagnosed bipolar is the meds and the turn around of my condition based on their tweaking. A month ago I was bat-shit crazy. I was rapid cycling and irritable and miserable. I was nearly suicidal. I felt that leaving Sophie in the hands of her dad and her step-dad and disappearing would just make everyone's life better. I did. I really believed that everyone would be better without me. And I hated myself because I just couldn't get this sanity thing right and I felt too fat and I wasn't a loving enough partner and I couldn't successfully hide what I was going through from Sophie anymore. Then I gave up the Topamax and in four days I was living a different life. Seriously. FOUR days. What the fuck? There's no predicting exactly how a patient is going to react to her medication, I know that, but I'm still shocked that with the right medication (or, more accurately, without the wrong additional medication) I'm stable enough to start experiencing some life again. It's awesome...as in: inspiring a mixed emotion of reverence, respect, dread and wonder.

Now, I know it's been less than a day, so I'm not expecting that the decrease in depakote is responsible for the upsurge in emotions I'm experiencing this morning (although I would guess the 8 hours of sleep...1.5 more than usual...could have something to do with it), but after I dropped Sophie off at school I listened to Cat Power's King Rides In on repeat for 15 minutes. Just the one song. I never do that, but come on...during that second surge of the chorus I could feel my heart rise up into my throat and I just wanted to throw my arms around someone and cry out: the world CAN be a better place, we CAN all love each other.

But then I looked around and saw that there were at least four people on bench in front of me who were trying to surreptitiously pick their noses.

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