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Location: Brooklyn, New York, United States

I have a tendency to unconsciously appropriate other peoples' affectations, leading me to say things like y'all.

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Monday, February 20, 2006

Not how I thought it would turn out

This is going to be a sad entry. Last night John and I had a fight that really freaked me out. It wasn't the fight itself (we've had the odd argument before and it's always okay in the end), but how I felt when it was over. We're fine, the relationship is still strong and we're still crazy in love and I know I'm still going to spend my life with this man, but something did happen that I need to document for my own sake.

There was a moment at the end of the fighting when I felt really clearly like I shouldn't be alive. It's hard to write this. It's hard not to consider as I do how much these words might hurt my friends and family who read this blog; or Sophie years from now if she ever does. And I'm not trying to be mellowdramatic or hysterical. It's just that for the first time in my life I had this really strong regret that I hadn't ever actually killed myself the few times I've wanted to. It seems that even when I'm sane, I hurt the people I most love. I won't get into what the fight was about, but I will say that I wasn't the reason for it. Still, the most hurtful blow was dealt by me and it was enough to wish myself away.

I know that this post will be a hard one for friends and family and John himself (sorry), and I imagine that other people don't see me as I see myself. That to them I'm strong and confident and caring. A friend of mine called me a comet a few weeks ago. But it's so lonely to be those things. To love the people in my life so much and feel like I just can't really be good enough for them. That I'll never be sane enough or pretty enough or un-obsessed with my body enough. That I'm not smart enough or talented enough or ambitious enough. That even the things I'm best at: taking care of people, being a mother, loving, are things that I fuck up all the time.

And as for my sanity...I'm okay. I've been doing fine since my last moment of depression. This feeling that I had last night didn't come from chemical imbalance and that's what shakes me up the most. It's so obvious to me that I am more of a problem than anything.

I'll write about the rest of the weekend soon, which was actually amazing, and maybe that will help me remember that life isn't always the mess I wind up making of it.


Blogger João Leão said...

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5:17 PM  

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