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Location: Brooklyn, New York, United States

I have a tendency to unconsciously appropriate other peoples' affectations, leading me to say things like y'all.

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Thursday, March 16, 2006

Anything but normal

This has been one of those weeks.

The little pimp has been moody and is now running a fever of 102 or so. If she could actually keep the thermometer in her mouth, thereby cooperating, I might have a real number, but my mom-o-meter tells me it's closer to 103 degrees. Right now we are sitting at the kitchen table where she is complaining because she has to eat a bowl of ice cream. Actually, that was about fifteen minutes the meantime I've managed not to convince her to take Tylenol orally and have instead been forced to administer is rectally as a last resort. Note to future parents: small children do not like having things administered rectally...even if it's good for them and even though all they talk about is their own rectum and what comes out of it. So now she's tucked into my bed (where her germs can collect and fester and lie in wait for us to sleep in them) watching Ice Age.

Early this week, my mom started a vicious fight with me. Subsequently I have not had contact with her in two days. This is not alarming for most people as most people don't talk to their parents as often as I do, but taking into consideration that we had an almost daily email check-in and the fact that the last email sent (by me) specified that she shouldn't make contact if she had only hurtful things to say, I take this as a probable bad sign. I've mentioned my mother a little bit in previous posts, but because she actually reads this blog I can't go into finer detail than to say that our history is very complicated and emotional and more often bad than good. We see the past very differently and one of us really likes to reinvent history. I realize that chances are I've just openned myself up to backlash, but this is my blog and I will say (within what I have decided is respectful reason) whatever the fuck I want to.

What I can't understand is where this new uprising came from. It immediately followed the longest, most intimate conversation we've had in a year (as well as my posting of Laura's photo and the link to my cousin's blog, in which she probably gives me a bit more credit and praise than I deserve) and it was really unfounded and rather severe. By the time the emails had flown across inter-space and the Gmail chat yell-a-thons were over, we had both said some incredibly unkind things to one another. That's the effect that my mother has on me. She bites and then all that's left in me is poison and rage and the blind desire to take her down. It sounds awful, I know, and when it's over I feel whiped out and miserable and sad to have seen such an unfamiliar side of myself, but there's also this feeling of relief in the quiet that follows. There's peace for me in the fantasy that this fight might be the last fight and that I won't have to be emotionally beholden to or responsible for her anymore. The sad truth is that sometimes family just isn't a good fit and while many people are able to make a go of it anyway, there are those of us who just can't.

Something good happened this week too, but I can't post about it yet.

Due to some sort of security issue at the D.C. airport, which has backed up and over-crowded all flights, John has been forced to come home by means of some out-moded form of transportation known as Amtrack. It will take 3 hours and he will have to be working the whole time. He'll come home exhausted and I won't have time to enjoy him because I have an early morning appointment regarding possible good things I can't post about that I should be fairly well rested for. It's a drag.

I have knots in my neck like you wouldn't believe. And I'm coming to the end of recovering from the two bottles of wine I split with my pal Bess last night, whence I learned that comic book geeking doesn't only get you into bad conventions (I went to a comicon only once ever, I swear), but also makes bartenders fall in love with you.

Oh, and mediation is over. Josh and I worked out the last of the issues and now all that's left is for the agreement to be drawn up, reviewed, signed and submitted to court. After nearly 3 years, I'm actually going to be single.

I started this post over an hour ago...during which time
I've had to stop frequently to cater my very hot, very snuggly daughter. Rereading what I wrote puts what I have in my life into such sharp, wonderful perspective. I am a lucky woman and I'm a good mom...the latter sentiment being one that I don't get to feel with this amount of confidence very often. But standing over a hot griddle, making pink, heart-shaped pancakes for Sophie (we're talking freehand with pastry tip and bag method, not with a mold) because that's what she wanted for dinner...that felt really good; and when I put her to bed and found that her forehead was no longer hot to my touch, I felt an affirmation of all my choices in life.


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