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Location: Brooklyn, New York, United States

I have a tendency to unconsciously appropriate other peoples' affectations, leading me to say things like y'all.

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Saturday, March 18, 2006


I arrived for my interview yesterday morning about 30 minutes early. Etiquette dictates that you don't go into the office more than 15 minutes early, so I decided to buy and put on a pair of pantyhose. Somehow, my suit looked sort of incomplete without them. I don't ever wear pantyhose. Ever.

Conveniently enough, there is a Duane Reade both on the corner where the building I will be working in is located and another across the street, and on a third corner was a Starbucks. Now, I don't support Starbucks if I can avoid it, but their open door restroom policy is handy in situations like putting on a pair of pantyhose minutes before meeting your future employer.

After I'd gotten myself fully dressed, two things in the coffee shop struck me: 1) the new marble mocha machiatto; and 2) a sign above the bar that read: SAVOR OUR NEW SAVORY: TRY A BLUEBERRY MUFFIN.

Allow me to address these in order of importance:

2) Who the fuck considers something blueberry a savory food? Do these people know nothing about the distinction between fruits and say, meats? Do they even know the meaning of the word savory and who was the genius that came up with that little seller? If nothing else, their license to offer foods of any kind to the public should be revoked. Alternately, the person responsible for the sign should be either fired or sent to school or bought a dictionary.

1) I suppose this has a better ring to it than Ass in a Glass. It will probably sell better too, but come on, how is it fair to slip consumers that much fat and that many calories and not put a health advisory label on the cup? It is described on the website as such:

Marble Mocha Macchiato is the perfect marriage of our White Chocolate Mocha and our Caffe Mocha. A shot of Espresso "marks" the foam on top, delivering bold espresso flavor upfront, with a sweet white chocolate finish, topped with a signature cross-hatch of Mocha sauce.

I think this is a remarkable piece of writing. What I like the most is the quotation marks around the word marks. Is it supposed to mean something or lend some unclear significance to the whole concoction? Is it just a bad pun? What kind of "foam" are they alluding to exactly?

Additionally, the sign encouraged having a marble mocha macchiato along with a sunshine cupcake...have you seen the sunshine cupcake? It's a mound of yellow and orange sprinkles with a candy flower stuck in the top. It wasn't clear whether there was actually a cake under it all.

I would hereby like to recommend that Starbucks consider putting 6 oz of their chantico drinking chocolate into the marble mocha macchiato, increasing the fat and calorie content by a factor of 1,000 and creating a beverage with the addictive quality of crack. As an accompaniment, they might consider a crossbreed between the Krispy Kreme original glaze donut and the sunhine cupcake, which would probably help ride the high out longer and cut back a bit on the depressive side affects that are normally associated with crack use.


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