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I have a tendency to unconsciously appropriate other peoples' affectations, leading me to say things like y'all.

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Tuesday, March 07, 2006

This is why you really can't leave me alone in my own head

Here is a fairly direct transcription of my stream of thought while running errand on my lunch hour:

What is my problem? Seriously, why am I always so worried about pleasing everyone? Especially the men in my life. Okay, with Josh I get it: I don't want things to get all ugly and so I'm trying to keep it all fairly friendly, but what about John? What, am I scared that he'll decide Sophie and I aren't worth the hassle anymore if he can't get his way? (silence) Well? (more silence) No way. (more silence) Holy Shit!! I am scared about that. I am actually afraid that the man who has loved me pre-, through and post-psychiatric upheaval will walk if things don't work out totally neatly for him in the end. Am I fucking crazy? Oh yeah, I supposed I am. But still, that is totally ludicrous. And where did that come from? Hmmm. I suppose that maybe it's because my dad's never been supportive or emotionally available enough and I've always tried but failed to please him and his love was so totally conditional upon my making him happy as far as his version of happy was concerned? Am I really that psychologically pedestrian? I guess I am, I mean that all makes sense. Jesus, what a freak show. Ooooh...look at that pretty ring...

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