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Location: Brooklyn, New York, United States

I have a tendency to unconsciously appropriate other peoples' affectations, leading me to say things like y'all.

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Friday, March 24, 2006

Why Yes, it IS that time of the month*

Last weekend I made the very very great mistake of trying to clothe myself for this new job. John and I went to so many stores with no results. It seems that a woman with my body type should just go on medical disability for morbid obesity and sit at home in her sweats with a bucket of KFC watching Jerry Springer all day. Ah, wouldn't that be the life though? Yeah, I think not.

Cupcake has been posting about some of her own weight/body troubles and I really hear where she's coming from. The thing that's really fucked up** about clothes is that size isn't the biggest issue. It is just as hard for me to find something in a size 4/6 as it seems to be for Cupcake to find something in a size 16. The real problem is that women are no longer allowed to have classically shapely bodies. I have some beautiful women friends who are really Twiggy, mind you, and they too should have a dearth of choices in any store, but why does it seem like they are the only ones who get to look really hot? Even when they're just kicking around on a hung over Sunday? Why can't there be pretty, youthful, sexy clothes for girls who are curvy? Where exactly am I supposed to find anything to wear?

This morning, it being a Friday and my boss being out of the office, I looked at my closet and thought: hmmm, what's comfy? And you want to know the answer? Nothing. That's right. My jeans have always been a little too tight, it's too cold for a dress or skirt and I was left feeling like Sophie's favorite animal.

The last time I was really comfortable in anything I own, and didn't have a hard time shopping, was when I was severely manic and between boyfriends and ate all...ever. Now that I'm finally healthy in the head, it seems like the thinnest I am on any given day is as thin as I'm going to be (give or take summer or winter). This is my body. This is my size. I can accept that. In theory. But then I try to buy some work clothes and the whole thing falls apart. Either my boobs are too big for a blazer or my butt is too big for a skirt, or my hips and thighs throw the whole thing off entirely and there is some crazy-ass gaping in the worst places. And these aren't problems that could be solved with alterations. Where does that leave me?

My instinct tells me that this struggle is far from over.

* But that doesn't mean this post is any less important or legitimate.

** Sorry Anonymous.


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