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Location: Brooklyn, New York, United States

I have a tendency to unconsciously appropriate other peoples' affectations, leading me to say things like y'all.

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Saturday, April 01, 2006

Freakin' Hell

Last night I went shopping for work clothes with my friend Bess, which is a whole other possible post. While I was out spending his money, John was picking Sophie up from school and taking her out to dinner. This post is a transcription of the story John told me last night. I've tried to keep it true to his tone:

So, we're riding the train and joking around and suddenly Sophie says
"John, my belly really hurts. I have to go to the bathroom." and she's clutching her stomach and bending over. I tell her she's just going to have to wait a little longer because there isn't anywhere to go and we're almost home.

So, I decide that before I take her to McDonald's we should maybe make a stop at home first, even though she insists that she's feeling all better and doesn't need to go anymore. I figure better safe than sorry, right? So, we're at home for a little while, maybe half an hour or so, and Sophie says she wants to go to
Old McDonalds' even though she hasn't used the bathroom. We get maybe a block and a half and she starts grabbing her stomach, squatting in the middle of the sidewalk and grunting "John, my belly really really hurts and I need to go to the bathroom. It really hurts."

We're about a block from McDonalds.

So, I get her up and she continues walking and as soon as we get into the McDonald's we head for the bathroom on the ground floor. Luckily it's empty. Of course we get in there and it is disgusting. I mean, paper everywhere, no clean surfaces and Sophie and I are forced to devise a method by which I can suspend her over the toilet so that she can go. She then proceeds to take one of the hugest dumps I have ever seen in my life. Now, I have maybe taken a dump like this four times total. It is about 16 inches long and 2 inched in diameter. It is foul. Only then do I notice that there isn't any toilet paper, right?

So, I leave Sophie in the bathroom, tell her not to touch anything, run and get napkins, and do clean-up. Now, because she hasn't been sitting down on the seat, there was no cheeks spreading to make way for the poop; instead she basically had her butt clenched the whole time and now everything is just a mess in there. It takes about 8 napkins to get her clean and she's good about it, but complaining because they're rough.

When it's all done and we wash our hands, she says in a really frustrated voice
"I hate this McDonalds. It's freakin' hell." I look at her in disbelief for a second, then I ask her to repeat what she just said, so she says "It's. Freakin'. Hell."

I told her that was something kids shouldn't usually say. But she was right.


Blogger Heather said...

Wow! What an experience. It seems that John held it together very well, he should be very proud of himself. I don't know if I would have been that calm. And Sophie, she kills me! Too much. But, she's got that right...I'd be surprised if she ever wanted McDonald's again! Tell her to stick with Burger King ;o)

8:26 PM  
Blogger Irina said...

Josh's response to this story: I would have cut someone's head off...seriously. I would HAVE to cut off someone's head if there was no toilet paper in the bathroom right then.

8:30 PM  
Anonymous amanda said...

I just have to say that your daughter is awesome, and you all give hope to my boyfriend and I that if cool people have kids, their progeny will be cool and smart and funny, even at a young age, and not the little monstrous creatures he imagines. :)

4:10 PM  
Blogger Irina said...

Amanda, you totally rock my world...and not because of your incredibly flattering complements. Sophie IS amazing and I'm really pleased to share her with others.

6:58 PM  

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