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I have a tendency to unconsciously appropriate other peoples' affectations, leading me to say things like y'all.

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Thursday, April 27, 2006

I just really can't explain it

Things are bad. I don't know why. I don't know what to do about it, but things are bad. Maybe it's because I was so undisciplined about the sleep thing? Maybe my meds aren't working? I really don't know. I've been irritable and depressed again, as though all of the amazing stabilizing is suddenly undone. I don't think I'm rapid cycling...at least not in a familiar way, but I do feel like I don't want to leave the house most mornings, or talk to other people. I don't want to blog much.

Everything has become an effort. A hurculean fucking feat.

Where am I anymore?

I see my shrink next Thursday.

2 Comments:

Anonymous amanda said...

I am not at all qualified to give advice (and I'm not sure exactly what you're taking), but the thing that came to mind is that your body got used to the medications/doses you were on? It sounds like it's still evening out your mood, but the level of your mood is just a lot lower. If you're taking an anti-depressant with the Depakote, maybe you need to change just that dose or the drug itself. If you're not taking one, maybe you should ask your doctor about starting?

It might also just be a symptom of the claustrophic feeling you described earlier, and not having enough time to yourself. That can really wear on a person after a while. I know you just started your job and you like it, and maybe this sounds too simplistic but maybe try taking a day off and do things that you enjoy, just for yourself. If it helps, you'll know that you just need to budget in more creative/you time (although I know that in itself is hard).

Good luck with all of this! Sorry this was so long! Also, if/when you're feeling up to it, I wouldn't mind hearing what you think about this entry. (It was friends-only until I figured out other people who would have experience might actually be reading!)

11:09 AM  
Blogger Irina said...

I think you might be right about some of what you said Amanda. I think it is about the dosage...and no, I'm not an antidepressant at the moment. I think something will definitely need to be tweaked, it's just so defeating to be 6 months into this an still unwell (all of the sudden) and to know that it affects everyone around me.

Thanks for your link. When it's a bit quieter here this afternoon I'll treat myself to a read. Will let you know what I think then.

And thanks. Just for taking me seriously. You have no idea how much that means or helps.

11:16 AM  

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