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Location: Brooklyn, New York, United States

I have a tendency to unconsciously appropriate other peoples' affectations, leading me to say things like y'all.

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Saturday, April 08, 2006

I should really be getting ready for brunch right now

But I have something on my mind. And I'm frustrated. And this won't be orderly. So here it goes.

I've been reading some blog entries lately about weight issues. Somehow, there are always weight issues. What's on my mind right now, and this is something I've never been able to shake, is why women over a certain weight/size are more entitled to their issues than women like me.

I know. That sounds really gross and inflammatory. That's not what I mean to convey.

What I'm saying is, that being a size 6 isn't always easier in one's head than being a size 14 or 18 or 20. What I'm saying is that being me is hard every day. Because while I'm incredibly grateful for my life and my mind and my sanity, I have to face the fact that my body isn't an easy one to dress and that there isn't a "group" I fit in with. I can't post my feelings on a website dominated by heavy women because then I'm just some skinny bitch who complains too much about problems she can't begin to understand.

But you know what? Fuck that. I've BEEN a size 14. I gained 50 lbs during my pregnancy (right, remember, that whole I have a child thing?) and it didn't just magically disappear over-night. I worked really hard to get back to a reasonably thinner size/body...this was before the eating walking 6 miles every day and eliminating bread/pasta/sugar from my diet. I did Slimfast for months, even though I lived in perpetual fear of my own bowels as a result. I did what I could because it was hard to carry the extra weight around all of the time. And because I didn't feel like that was the right body for me.

And you want to know the worst fucking thing? I still had a really hard time shopping for clothes because I wasn't quite fat enough to wear the really pretty clothes at say Lane Bryant, but I was too fat to wear the reasonably less ugly clothes at say New York and Company, which was comparable...I didn't even bother looking at the higher-end chain brands.

So what's the deal? Why aren't women who aren't *fat*, but are extremely curvy not supposed to talk about the way they feel in the world? Why is that less valid?

Can you tell that I feel really frustrated?

I work really hard to stay my size. I've stopped eating almost all of the things I used to love that proved to be pitfalls for me weight-wise. I've gotten into yoga. And most importantly, as a woman who used to starve herself daily, I'm learning to like my body and feed it well at the same time without indulging myself. So I feel like it should be okay to be cranky if after all this the fashion world still makes it difficult for me to get dressed in the morning.


Blogger Heather said...

Amen sister!!! I think you are absolutely right and I feel your frustration. I have some of the same difficulties with clothes as you seem's not easy no matter what size you are. I am also a size 6 now, worked very hard, like you, to get here (and will continue to)...but you and I look compeletely and totally different. How could we possibly wear the same kinds of clothes. We can't!

1:35 PM  
Blogger Wendy said...

My problem is that I have no curves at all. Pants that fit in the waist are too big in the hips. Shirts that have any darts across the chest sag even with 800 layers of padding and underwires underneath. Sometimes I think I should just buy all my clothes in the boys department.

2:49 PM  
Anonymous Maya said...

Hello again, Irina,

I read this the other day and I kept thinking about it.. :)

I don't totally get why you would why would you go looking for community on a web forum for size 16 women?
Why do you feel alone as a size 6 with some body concerns of your own-- most women are always concerned about something or other. Oh ,but I guess most women don't talk about this stuff that much ? Maybe they just kind of take it in stride in their day-to-day lives, or sort of laugh it off. It's hard to get people interested in talking about dieting-- it's hard enough to diet anyway!

4:31 PM  
Anonymous Maya said...

Me again, lol!

I just wanted to add, in case I wasn't clear-- I totally get the having "issues" at a size 6...

Everyone's frame size is so different! I (like you probably!) have a really tiny frame/bones. I felt "fat" when I was a 6. And in fact, it wasn't all in my head! My Dr. told me I should lose a few pounds for optimal health. Now that I did I feel much healthier. It seems my body is best at about a size 2.

4:34 PM  
Blogger Irina said...

Wendy, sounds like you should be shopping at Club Monaco...everything is really streamlined and made for girls with no hips. There are also great places like Express and Banana Republic that have "cuts" to cater to a variety of body types. I can understand how your situation can be a pain too, though.

8:04 PM  

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