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Location: Brooklyn, New York, United States

I have a tendency to unconsciously appropriate other peoples' affectations, leading me to say things like y'all.

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Monday, April 24, 2006

Life in the trenches

First of all, Blogger is being very weird right now.

Also, after an amazing week of spring in NY, the weather has officially taken to sucking ass by reverting to early winter temperatures and overcast sky. I have a space heater on beside me. It’s sick.

And would you like to know what I'm doing right now (I mean before I started typing this post)? I'm banging my head against the desk because Microsoft Excel refuses to roll over and be my bitch. The software seems to be under the impression that if the numbers don't add up it's because I did something wrong.

What's that about?

I made a really important decision this weekend to abide by the 10pm bedtime that goes along with my depakote dosage. I’m not happy about the fact that I need to, but last Friday was the most depressed I’ve felt in a very long time. I mean, full on please-don’t-look-at-me-I’m-hideous-and-should-live-under-a-rock depression. It was a very dark time that carried over well into Saturday and I really don’t want to feel that way again, particularly if I can avoid it by just following the damn rules.

This experience of getting on meds and adjusting to them, and trying to eek out an extra hour of awake time here or there, has been really interesting. I honestly thought that my doc was being overly cautious about the 10 o’clock thing, and I felt a little resentful that I would have to miss out on a lot because of it: less time with John in the evenings, or to myself, or with friends; no going out on the weekends; no starting a movie after Sophie goes to bed. But my doc was right…I really do have to be that disciplined in order to have my mental health in hand.

Now, this doesn’t mean that I don’t still plan to go out the one weekend night I don’t have Sophie, but it does mean that if I’m planning to do that, the lights better be out on time every other night.

For now, that's all I've got.

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