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Location: Brooklyn, New York, United States

I have a tendency to unconsciously appropriate other peoples' affectations, leading me to say things like y'all.

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Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Warning: very disorganized post below

Remember a while back when I wrote about never having time for anything? Somehow, I have even less time now. I have a theory that it's got something to do with the fact that every second of my day is accounted for (I'm staying in for lunch, to answer your question) coupled with the new bedtime, but then I could be way off.

This job is kind of amazing, because I care about it and am engaged by it, but it's also making me realize just how many extra hours I used to have and took for granted. While it was never especially easy to work all day and then come home and be mom and housekeeper and spouse, it was much easier when I had the space to be me. It was nice to do all of my web browsing and blogging during the day. I had so much time to think and be away from my life.

Life is a little more claustrophobic now.

I'm starting to feel like my only identity is becoming the one I have in our apartment. Like the only thing I talk about at a party is Sophie or John, but rarely my own interests. I'm resentful of that and it's starting to take it's toll on our family.

Last night I spent more time reprimanding Sophie than I did enjoying my time with her. I felt tempermental and impatient and although a part of that is PMS, I'm not going to shirk my own responsibility for the way things went down. Yes, sometimes Sophie just has crappy days and is less than pleasant to be with, but yesterday that wasn't the case. She was charming (until I started browbeating her) and even read a book to me on the subway ride home.

What's weird is that I'm finding more and more that it's when I walk into my apartment, that I turn all Hyde. Even on the evenings when Sophie and I have a good commute, or if I'm coming home without her and am super psyched to see John, I get cranky as soon as the key is in the lock. And I think a big part of that is my developing dislike for and discomfort in my living space.

Our apartment has somehow become the physical metaphor for my's cramped and messy looking (even though we clean), a bit cluttered and incomplete. It's the same apartment I've lived in since a year after Josh and I got married. It's become this symbol of stagnancy and maybe the point is that I don't feel like I belong there anymore. Or that I'm just impatient for a new place.

March was so full of incredible leaps forward. We finished our mediation; Sophie got into school; I got a new job; Josh got a new job; I discovered that cotton jersey is a miracle fabric. And now I feel like I'm standing still. It's so frustrating.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

i: find the freudian slip in last graf....

5:10 PM  
Blogger Irina said...

Do you mean because I said that Josh got a job? He did get a new job...a really good one...that wasn't a slip.

John's new job happened back in January.

I don't have many of my mental faculties functioning, but I can distinguish the men in my life.


9:07 PM  

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