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I have a tendency to unconsciously appropriate other peoples' affectations, leading me to say things like y'all.

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Tuesday, May 02, 2006

What started out as a post about nothing, but became an ode to John

John has been in D.C. since yesterday. The house feels empty without him. I'm finding that me time often involves some sort of housekeeping that's goes undone when John is home; yesterday it was a sink full of dishes, tonight it's laundry to be folded. It's really strange to realize how much of ourselves we unthinkingly give up when we join our life with another's. It's not a bad thing and it's not a sacrifice and it's different for everyone, of course, but it's inevitable. I know that I always have the option to just hang without John...to break away and do my own thing...but when you've met someone with whom you really enjoy spending your time and with whom you share such a multitude of interests as John and I do, well, it seems stupid to do the same things separately. Which is not to say that we don't go out without each other or spend time alone with our friends. We just don't do it as much as we did when we were single.

The other thing that's weird (but not at all surprising) is that when he's here I think about my life before him nostalgically. I remember what it felt like when no one needed me other than Sophie and it seems like a quieter time. But then John goes on one of his business trips and I'm so glad that my life is not like it was before him. What I forget when John is home is that I was bat-shit crazy most of the time and that carrying a sleeping 35 lb Sophie home from the subway in kitten-heels was no small feat. I forget that the bed wasn't as warm to sleep in and the apartment was too quiet without conversation. I forget how much time I spent on the phone because I didn't like the quiet and how much better quiet is when someone else is breathing in it. When John is here I fail to take into account the more base things like: how hard it is to pay full rent on a fairly small income by yourself. Or buy groceries. I overlook the fact that I would be $40,000 in debt rather than $20,000 if we hadn't gotten together when we did.

There is no way to articulate what this last year and a half has been like for me. I went to a party one night to get laid and I met the one. Now, I don't believe in the one, but shit John's the one. All of the things that I love him for the most are the things that challenge who I am, which, for his edification, includes his sense of humor. He's an incredible spouse and care-giver, a terrific father, an amazing lover, a brilliant teacher and an emotional guru. The last being particularly impressive because his mother and I have often referred to him as The Robot. The last 7 months since my diagnosis have been harder than I could have imagined, but John has lovingly stood by me and supported me and reassured me without ever asking anything in return. When he was sick, he still did what he could to put my needs first; even when I insisted he shouldn't. But that's the kind of man that he his.

A The One kind of man.

So if he happens to be reading this, which at some point I know he will be, thank you John for being everything you are. And thank you for who I'm finally managing to become.

1 Comments:

Blogger Heather said...

Isn't it wonderful? I'm so happy that you've found your "one"

9:58 AM  

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